


Waiting To Be All Right

by thisdorkyficthing



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Descriptions of Blood, Gen, Lots of Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Overly Close Brothers, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This was supposed to be a oneshot I don't know what happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-16
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2017-12-15 03:33:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/844814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisdorkyficthing/pseuds/thisdorkyficthing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their house is big, nice and remote, which makes him think someone has broken in for a moment before he notices nothing is out of place. He climbs up the stairs to the second floor, his heart begins beating in a rapid pace and he feels his stomach twist with nerves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this prompt I got on Tumblr from Marty-mc:
> 
> "Can I ask for angst??? Thor/Loki high school Au dysfunctional family or bullying or suicide. Or all of them :D"

Loki’s skin prickles as he walks through the door of his house. The quietness settles over him in an odd way. He’s used to coming home to a silent house, his parents both work until it’s dark and Thor is usually off at some sort of club meeting or practice for whatever sport he’s playing that season.

But something feels  _wrong_. It makes his breathing uneasy and his steps more measured.

His eyes are wide as he he steps carefully and quietly through the house, feeling as if he were to make a noise all hell would bust loose. Their house is big, nice and remote, which makes him think someone has broken in for a moment before he notices nothing is out of place. He climbs up the stairs to the second floor, his heart begins beating in a rapid pace and he feels his stomach twist with nerves.

He checks Thor’s room first, it’s messy, but empty. Then he checks his own room and nothing is out of place. His heart shudders when he comes up to the door of the bathroom he and Thor share. 

It’s closed and a the light is on. He reaches for the handle and twists, letting the door swing open slowly. What he sees punches the breath from his body and leaves him frozen where he stands. 

Thor lays crumpled on the floor, bleeding from deep gashes up his wrist, his eyes wide and paler than they should as he looks up at Loki.

“You weren’t supposed to come home early today,” Thor says distractedly, his voice barely a whisper.

It jolts Loki into action and he propels himself forward, lading hard on his knees in front of Thor and grasps tightly to his bleeding wrists. He feels tears dripping off his chin and he lets out a small sob, reaching blindly at the towel rack and wrapping the first bit of fabric he can get around the cuts.

He feels everything at once and it makes him shake. He is suddenly angry, then sad, but confusion takes hold hardest. He fumbles as he digs his phone from his pocket and his bloody fingertips slide on the screen as he calls for an ambulance.

His own voice sounds strange and quiet to his ears as he speaks to the overly calm woman on the phone. He wants to scream at her,  _his brother is dying in front of him, this is no time to be calm_. None of the words come out.

He tosses the phone onto the counter after he gives her the address for the forth time and goes back to pressing the towels to his wrists as hard as possible.

Thor wasn’t supposed to do this, he's  _Thor_. Thor is bright and smiling and captain of everything he joined. If anyone is supposed to be laying in a pool of their own blood it was supposed to be him, the weird one, the literal black sheep who fails his classes just to be different from his brother and smokes weed in the bathrooms of the school and never talks to anyone.

Thor’s head lolls to the side, his eyes slowly slipping closed.

“Thor, please.” His voice cracks and blue eyes open to meet his.

“You said you’d be home late tonight,” Thor breathed, he sounded like he was holding back tears.

He nodded, because it was true, but something in his gut had made him decide to go home earlier. He swallowed against the thickness in his throat, pressing the wet towel into Thor’s skin a bit harder.

Tears roll down Thor’s pale cheeks and Loki lets out another sob. He can’t remember the last time he's seen Thor cry and it makes the ache in his chest sharper, pierce deeper.

“Please don’t hate me, Loki,” Thor pleads, chin shaking.

Loki presses his forehead to Thor’s, shuddering at how cool and clammy it feels. His clutches Thor’s wrists to his chest, not daring to even loosen his grip a bit. “Never. Never, never,  _never._ ”

Thor let out a weak sob and then there was loud knock at the door.

Loki pulls away, shouting where they were over and over until the paramedics were in the bathroom, carefully prying Loki away from Thor and in a blur he was being rushed away, out of the house and into the waiting ambulance.

Loki follows automatically, grabbing his phone and sliding into the front seat of his car. He dials his mother as he drives with sticky, blood-caked fingers, his mind feeling detached as he says the words to his mother and listens to her wails at the other end. He calls his father next, who responds with a sharp intake of breath and silence before giving a shaky confirmation and hanging up.

He drops his phone to the seat next to him, focusing on his hands gripping tight onto the steering wheel, Thor’s blood is drying quickly on them. He drives mindlessly, nearly going off the road a few times before finally making it to the hospital.

No one pays him any attention as he walks in through the emergency room doors. He stands alone in the hustle of sickness, the clinical smell mixing with the pungent scent of copper from Thor’s blood.

He looks down at his hands again. Turns them slowly.

He drops to his knees at the feeling of dread stabbing him deep in his gut and screams. Tears pour from his eyes once more and wash the blood away in uneven streaks.


	2. Chapter 2

Word travels fast and Thor’s room at the hospital is filled with balloons and flowers by noon the next day. Loki hasn’t gone in to see him yet, instead, he sits in the waiting room down at the end of the hall, nursing cup after cup of watery coffee.

He’s silent, thinking, of why Thor did it, of how if he had come home a bit earlier he could’ve stopped this altogether. He had washed his hands long ago, scrubbing them until they were pink and raw, but they still felt warm and sticky. Thor’s blood is still on his shirt, a dark, crusted stain on black cotton. He has nothing else to change into.

He thinks of the ice cold rush of relief when the doctor walked up to him and his terrified parents, telling them that Thor was in stable condition, that he was very lucky to survive. He’s not sure Thor feels the same way. He vaguely remembers someone else telling him that he had come home just in the nick of time, that everything could’ve been so much worse if he hadn’t. He wishes now that he had a friend he was close enough to talk about this with.

But Thor is the only one he’s that close to.

Thor wakes up sometime late in the afternoon, his parents are at his side as soon as they’re told. Loki stays in the waiting room. 

He scared. He scared of what it’ll be like to see his brother again, scared that Thor will be angry at him for finding him, he’s scared of how  _different_  everything feels now. His world is shattered. His mind still doesn’t want to wrap around the fact that Thor has attempted suicide.

It doesn’t fit. The image of his brother, ever grinning, surrounded by friends, always happy brother, and the puddles of dark red blood pooling around him. His golden face pale and lost.  _It doesn’t fit_.

His throat feels tight and a woman walks past him, going directly to his brother’s room. His parents walk out a minute or two later, coming back to sit at either side of him. His mother still shakes with tears and pulls him to her chest and kisses his head like she hasn’t since he was a little kid. He lets out a shuddering breath, wrapping his arms around her and clinging onto her, tears falling unbidden. He feels his father put a hand on his knee, squeezing it gently, a rare moment of physical affection from him and it makes Loki cry harder.

He’s not sure how long they stay like that, silent but connected. He doesn’t see the woman from before leave, but then one of the nurses comes up, talks quietly to his mother and she finally, carefully pushes Loki away, wiping away a tear from his cheek with her thumb.

“Thor wants to see you, darling,” she says with a shaking voice and it takes him a few moments to even stand from his seat, another gentle squeeze on his knee from his father spurring him on.

He walks slowly, his legs are stiff from sitting for so long and he takes a deep breath before he opens the door.

Thor’s running his hand up the bandages on one of his arms, his eyes distant. Loki steps in farther and catches Thor’s attention, his hand quickly moves away from the bandage. 

They do nothing but stare at each other for a few minutes.

Thor reaches out his arms to him and Loki moves to him without another thought, climbing up the bed and into his embrace. Thor’s arms feel strangely weak around him and he feels his neck get wet with tears. 

They finally move, shifting to lay on their sides on the small bed, Loki’s careful to not disturb any of the cords or lines attached to Thor and when they’re finally settled their faces are just inches apart.

To everyone else, this would look strange, and it probably _is_  strange, but Loki doesn’t want to move away, not right now.

He wants to ask a million questions, the main one being _why_ , but he stays silent, fearing anything he says could break the odd tension in the room.

Thor nearly whispers, “they’re gonna put me in the psych ward for a few days, when they think I’m well enough. Probably tomorrow.”

All Loki can do is nod, knowing something like that was going to happen. He’s still so confused, his brother seems like a different person now.

He opens his mouth to say something, but hesitates, pinching his shirt just above the bloodstain and rolling the fabric between his fingers. “I’m not sure if I should say I’m sorry or not…”

Thor’s face twists and he doesn’t respond, looking over Loki’s face and at the wall. Loki looks down between them and watches Thor pick at the edges of his bandages.

He falls asleep eventually, and apparently Thor does too, because he’s fast asleep when his mother shakes Loki’s shoulder, pulling him away and taking him home.

He ignores Thor’s room and walks straight to his, peels his shirt off, slipping into a new one and kicking off his jeans. He walks to the bathroom, The door closed and the light still on from the night before. The smell of blood is thick in his nose again and it makes his throat feel tight again. He goes to the kitchen and grabs a bottle of spray bleach and garbage bags, deciding to clean the blood before his mother has a chance to see it. 

He locks the door behind him and yanks every towel hanging up, tucking them under his arm as he kneels to the ground, feeling sick to his stomach as he remembers being in the same spot just a day ago.

He sprays and scrubs until his arms are tired and the tiles are free of rust-colored streaks. He rolls up the soiled towel and stuffs it into one of the bags before wiping away the streaks of red from the walls and sink. He finds the blade Thor used behind the trashcan, pries it off the floor and stares at it. He feels his heart beating in his ears as he looks at it, Thor’s fingerprints are dried in the blood.

He wraps it up in another towel and places it with the others before placing the whole bag into another bag, tying the plastic into a tight knot and marching outside to stuff the entire thing in the bottom of the trashcan.

He moves to Thor’s room next, standing quietly in the dark for a few moments before carefully touching Thor’s jacket, slung over the back of his chair.

He slowly starts cleaning, and looking for any sort of clue to why he did this. He doesn’t find any secret diaries confessing a longtime desire to kill himself with reasons plot out in easy to read bullet points, just notebook after notebook filled with notes and assignments for school, a few pills, adderall, if Loki remembers right, probably from one of his friends. But nothing telling.

He straightens out Thor’s bed, just to be in there a little longer. He picks up Thor’s favorite sweatshirt from the floor, holding to his face and inhaling, feeling the soft cotton under his fingers. He tucks it under his chin and finally leaves the room, pulling the door closed behind him.

He lays down in his bed, wraps his arms tight around the sweatshirt, breathing in Thor’s scent until he falls into a restless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Everyone stares when he goes to school the next day. It makes him itch. Most of Thor’s friends simply nod sadly at him, a few grab his shoulder and murmur quiet apologies to him. Other than that it’s just stares.

He’s standing at his locker when Sif, Thor’s ex girlfriend and one of his closet friends, who has always seemed a bit wary of Loki, comes up to him and crushes him in a tight hug. Loki is startled, taking a moment before returning it. When she pulls back  it’s obvious that she’s been crying, her eye rimmed red and puffy, and for once Loki has any sort of feeling towards her. 

She looks close to crying again, so Loki carefully reaches out and touches her arm, hesitating before pulling her in for another hug.

He feels much the same as he did last night, holding Sif as she quietly sobs on to his shoulder, when he was scrubbing the blood off the floor, like he was cleaning up Thor’s mess. Part of him resents Thor for it, the other part feels a sense of duty, knowing Thor would do the same if the situations were reversed. The hall goes empty and they stay their, a few teachers and others pass, paying them nothing more than a quick glance before continuing on.

He finds his teachers don’t even seem mind to him walking in to all of his classes late, most actually hold him back before he leaves, offering more apologies. Most of them have had Thor for a student at some point.

The day goes by painfully slow, and he feels like he can finally breathe again as the final bell rings and he walks out to his car, driving down long, winding roads with all the windows open to let the cold fall air roll in and numb his skin. He faces the weekend alone, because Thor was surely in the psych ward by now, being forced to talk about feelings with strangers or something like that.

He had always thought Thor was a terrible liar. He is obviously very wrong about that, and he wonders what Thor is going to do, now that this is out in the open. Would he just blurt out all those well hidden secrets to strangers in scrubs and white jackets or even other people who had tried to off themselves too?

The thought makes him bristle and some odd feeling of jealously swirls in the pit of his stomach. He narrows his eyes at the dotted line blurring in front of him.

Why hadn’t  _he_  been good enough to confide in? Loki knows he doesn’t have the best reputation for being a good friend, or even being a particularly good person, but it’s different for Thor.

Sure, they have been drifting apart since they became teenagers, but Loki couldn’t help that Thor joined every club and sport he could and spent the rest of the time with his friends. That shouldn’t have mattered. They were  _brothers_. They had been connected to the hip since he could remember

His mother is in the living room when he finally comes home, and he’s glad. He’s not sure he could handle walking in to a silent house again, at least not right now. She gives him a watery smile and pats the seat next to her on the couch and he dutifully obeys her, letting her embrace him tightly. 

She’s watching old tapes of when he and Thor where little kids. The tape she has on is from when they were just toddlers, playing in a kiddie pool. Loki scrunches his face at his younger self, pale skin sunburnt and all scrawny compared to Thor, his pudgy arms wrapping around Loki and pulling him in for a tight hug.

“Did Thor eat all the food before I had a chance?”

His mother laughs and runs her fingers through his hair. “You were a very picky eater, we usually had to get Thor to convince you to even take a bite of something.”

Loki huffs, resting his head on his mothers shoulders and continues to watch.

His mother laughs again when they come upon a video from a soccer game. Loki looks small and miserable, glaring when Thor yanks him into the same shot, grinning bright with two missing teeth.

His mother laughs softly, he can feel the vibration. “You’ve always hated sports so much, but somehow Thor convinced you to join him.”

“I lasted one game.”

“Not even that. You stomped off the field when someone took the ball from you with Thor chasing after you, screaming for you to come back and your father had to leave he was laughing so hard.”

He groans at the memory.

They go quiet again, watching video after video, watching Thor and Loki grow older and more different.

The last video they watch is from the year before, and Thor and Loki are dressed up for a dance, Thor had Sif with him, her hair done up and in a shiny red dress, Loki went only because Thor had forced him to, even manhandling him into buying a ticket. 

Much like in many of the other videos, Thor yanks Loki into the shot, his grin broad and beaming as he ruffle Loki’s hair. Loki laughs and retaliates with a  smack to Thor’s boutineer, a few petals falling off.

“ _Boys! Act like the young gentlemen you are!_ ”

Him and his mother are still, silent, and Loki suspects they’re both thinking along the same lines.

They both jump when they hear a car roll into the driveway, his mother sighing into his hair.

“There’s your father… I should make something for dinner, what are you hungry for?”

Loki shrugs and grabs the remote, hitting pause. “I’ll eat anything.”

She nods and kisses his head before standing. He stays behind for a minute, staring at the screen, at him and Thor grinning for the camera.

He gets up after another minute and greets his father before going up to his room.

He sits in the middle of his bed, holding Thor’s sweatshirt and wonders what Thor is doing right now.


	4. Chapter 4

Months pass by and the days seem to blend into one long blur. Thor's long since come home from the hospital and is fundamentally changed. He's not the bright, carefree brother he once had. He's quiet, sullen, and pulls away from everyone. He wears long sleeve shirts and tugs them over his hands to make sure they hide his wrists.

He eventually quits every extra curricular he was once a part of and spends all his free time in his room(with the door open, of course) or at therapy. Their father takes the most offense when Thor quits football, becoming livid at the dinner table and yelling at him. Loki watches as Thor simply takes it, keeping his head turned down, only flinching when his farther spits out particularly harsh words. He remembers when Thor would've reacted twice as angrily, throwing something at a wall and fuming for hours afterword. Their mother finally manages to pull father away, screaming at him in another room for ages, it seems. Thor slinks away to his room and Loki is left alone at the dinner table.

Loki notices that he's gotten skinny and it's such a strange thing to see Thor so much like him, gaunt and pale and sad. They actually look like brothers now.

Loki drives Thor everywhere because his parents weren't sure if they could trust him to come back. The drives are long and silent, with Loki watching the road and Thor watching the world pass by out the window. The trees are filled with green buds of new leaves when Thor speaks to him for the first time that Loki can remember.

"Can we go somewhere?"

Loki almost misses it, with how quiet and meek Thor's voice is, and he's sure he looks at Thor in shock when he realizes he's spoken to him.

"I just... I don't want to go home yet."

Loki nods and turns on a different road, going a way he knows will take them to a park. He drives until he finds a gravel parking lot with just one, empty car in it and parks as far as he can from it. He rolls down the windows and kills the engine, letting the cool spring wind blow through the car. He's silent, waiting for Thor to speak again. Part of him wants to finally ask, but he'd rather wait to see if Thor offers to tell him first.

They end up sitting and watching the wind blow through the trees for a long time.

" _Why_ ," Loki asks a bit more forcefully than he wants, but Thor doesn't flinch and stays quiet for a while longer.

Thor turns and looks a the interior of the door, scratching on the plastic of the handle and jiggling a leg. "I- I'm gay, Loki." He turns and looks at him, biting down on the corner of his lip.

Loki laughs because he can't fucking help it. He throws his head back and pushes his hair back, letting his hands rest on his head. "That's it?  _That's it_."

Thor sighs in exasperation and it's most the emotion he's heard from Thor in so long he could laugh again.

He rubs his eyes before letting his hands drop to his lap. "Thor, you know that wouldn't change anything, right? Dad might've gotten mad for a while but he would get over it..."

Thor leans forward, putting his face in his hands. "That's not all of it."

" _Then what is it?_ " Loki snaps again. He feels bad for it instantly. The first time his brother wants to talk to him in ages and he can do nothing but snipe at him. "You can tell me, Thor," he adds more softly.

Thor lets out a shuddering breath and Loki realizes he's crying. He doesn't know what he should do, so he waits again.

Thor wipes his face and sits back up, looking at him with tear-streaked cheeks and red eyes. He breathes heavily, shakily a few more times. "I... I don't... I don't feel the right way about you."

Loki furrows his brows at him, the words not quite making sense. "What?"

Thor sighs heavily, pressing his hands to the dashboard and dropping his head, letting out a quiet sob. "I feel things for you that I shouldn't."

The words finally sink in and Loki looks forward, a small "oh" passing his lips. Everything is silent, save for Thor's quiet weeping next to him.

Thor shakes his head, and a dam seems to break within him, finally letting words pour out of him. "I've wanted you for so long that I don't know how to not feel this way for you... and it hurts so much, Loki... I just want to be your brother but it _hurts_..."

Loki listens, unable to find a way to respond. He's not sure if he should.

"I tried so hard and I thought I could do it," Thor chokes out, "I thought could fix it _but I can't_."

Thor sobs loudly and Loki says nothing, listens to his brother choke on air and tears and does nothing. 

Thor sits up, his sobs calmed slightly. "I did it because I went to a party a week before and got really drunk. There was a lot of people we don't go to school with there and I found a guy." Thor clenched his fists in his lap and let out another sob before continuing, "I found a guy who reminded me of you. I thought maybe I could get it out of my system or scare myself out of it. But it made it worse and I couldn't stop thinking of you."

Loki's throat feels tight. He grips onto the steering wheel and Thor folds onto himself and cries harder. He turns the engine back on and starts driving, hardly thinking as Thor's tears are blotted out by the cold wind whooshing in his ears.

"I'm so sorry, Loki."


	5. Chapter 5

He's not sure whether he's angry or sad or sickened or _anything_. He doesn't know what the fuck to think or do and now all he sees when he looks at Thor is him fucking someone who looks like just him.

Thor avoids looking at him at all.

Loki turns down the road that leads to the park when their coming home from school, he hears Thor's breath hitch and sees his hands twist in his lap. He pulls into that same parking lot from a couple weeks ago and parks, letting the silence hang heavily in the air for a long time.

All he really knows is that he needs his brother back. And while he knows he can't really have exactly what he and Thor had anymore, he can try to get something close to it. He can try to make Thor happy again.

He grabs Thor by the collar of his shirt and pulls him close, not hesitating as he kisses Thor on the lips. Thor cries out in shock, but doesn't push away. They're still as stone, their lips pressed together and Loki's hand twisted into Thor's shirt. 

Thor's eyes are wide open when he pulls away, confusion clear on his face. "What are you doing?"

Loki's not sure at all, so he just shrugs a shoulder.

Thor breathes heavily. Stares heavily. He reaches up and grabs Loki's shoulders, tentatively pulls him in for another kiss.

Something seems to turn loose in Thor this time and he becomes more sure, his hands roaming over Loki's body while his mouth presses harder. All Loki can do is breath and hold on.

They stay like that for a long while, until Thor pulls away suddenly and seems to come back to himself, breath coming in harsh pants and holding himself. 

"Loki, I-  _I can't_ \- this is," Thor's voice cracks and he hiccups with barely held back tears.

Loki's quick, barely thinking as he climbs into Thor's lap and holds his face, forcing Thor to look him in the eye. "Thor, it's okay."

It's definitely not okay. It's everything  _but_  okay. But something that looks like relief washes over Thor even as tears spill and Loki is happy to lie to him about this. Thor presses his face to Loki's chest and Loki hugs his head, stroking his hair and shushing him.

Thor calms eventually and Loki tips his head back and kisses him again before sitting back in the driver's seat. The drive home is quiet, but there's something different in the air. Thor's more relaxed than he has been and Loki knows that what he's done, what he's doing, is wrong, but his brother looks less pained and he can't see anything really wrong with that.


	6. Chapter 6

"Come here, Thor," he says gently. They're in Loki's room, sitting on his bed and Thor is looking troubled again. He grabs Thor by the wrist and pulls hims close, guiding Thor's hand under his shirt. "Kiss me."

Thor does, sighing and relaxing almost as soon as their lips touch.

It's easier than he thought it would be, to be honest. They've been so close for most of their lives that it almost seems natural to take it this much farther. He just wishes that Thor wasn't burdened with so much guilt, always weighing him down again after a while. He does his best to convince Thor that this is alright, but he can see that it only helps so much.

Loki reaches down and touches Thor through his jeans, feeling his cock get hard under his palm quickly. Thor always seems too afraid to touch him back, so he moves Thor's hand to press it against him. It takes a bit longer, but Loki gets hard with the warmth and pressure against him, and soon he's bucking his hips into Thor's hand.

He pulls Thor down on bed with him, laying them face-to-face and throwing his leg around Thor's. He works the fly of Thor's jeans open and pulls Thor's cock out, stroking him slowly as Thor gasps, his eyes wide open and watching everything Loki is doing.

"Touch me, Thor."

His hand shakes as he reaches for Loki's jeans, fumbling with the button and zipper until he is finally able to pull his cock out, matching Loki's strokes.

Loki sighs and closes his eyes. He doesn't think, keeps his mind devoid of anything besides sensations. 

Thor's hands are a bit rough, but gentle and firm, and it's not long until he's moaning quietly and coming all over his bed and Thor's hand. Thor gasps loudly, thrusting into Loki's fist as he comes, his body relaxing after the last wave of his orgasm washes over him.

Thor's eyes barely close before he forces them open, his smile soft and far more satisfying to Loki than anything else.

Thor takes a shaky breath. "I love you so much, Loki."

Loki smiles back at him. "I love you too, Thor."


	7. Chapter 7

Thor must be able to tell. As much as Loki tries and tries and tries to feel this as much as Thor does, he can't ever quite manage to make it work without thinking about anything but what this is. Thor looks at him with doubtful, guilt ridden eyes every time Loki pulls him close. That scares Loki.

"We can't do this." Thor is shaking, tears streaming down his face as he lays next to Loki. 

Loki pulls his head on to his chest, petting his hair and trying desperately to calm Thor down with soothing words. They're not working and Loki's heart is pounding.

"What will mom and dad think if they find out? This is wrong, Loki. So fucking  _wrong_."

"They don't matter. No one else matters, okay? Only us."

Thor only cries harder. "You shouldn't have to do this. I shouldn't be doing this to you."

"Stop," Loki says with force, tugging Thor's head up so he looks Loki in the eye. "You're not doing anything to me, got it?"

Thor is silent, his hands gripping tight to Loki's shirt as his face twists. Loki doesn't know what else to say, so he cries too. 

They wind around each other tightly, not letting go until their parents come home.

It's nowhere near long enough.

 

Thor disappears.

Loki finds this out when he wakes to his mother's frantic yelling. Loki shoots out of bed, running to the bathroom with half open eyes. He feels absolutely no relief when he sees it devoid of blood.

His truck is still in the garage, where it has been since he tried to kill himself and nothing is missing from his room, as far as anyone can tell.

He's just  _gone_.

Loki is standing in the middle of his room, his mother calling every one of Thor's friends she can remember when he looks out the window, at the thick woods that surround their house. He runs outside, because it's the only place he could go. It's the first day of the year that could be considered summer. The air is warm and heavy in Loki's burning lungs as he runs like he never has before in his life. He runs along the wall of trees and bushes, desperately looking for any trace of him.

"Thor!"

Nothing. He calls again, and again and again. He calls as he starts running into the woods blindly, calls for Thor until his voice goes hoarse. 

An old memory comes back to him. They had a spot they'd sneak off to sometimes, when they were little. Their mother yelled at them when they weren't sneaky enough and they stopped going. He remembers a clearing with a boulder and he backtracks out of the woods, trying to remember the way to it.

He remembers vaguely Thor saying something about mother's rose bushes and follows that as a guide, running and not caring as branches whip his skin til it's bloody.

He spots blond hair and his heart beats too hard in his chest. He stops in his tracks when he finally steps into the clearing. The world feels like it has come to a standstill. It is silent and all there is humid air and the too-bright sun glaring in Loki's eyes.

Thor is sitting perfectly still against the boulder. He looks peaceful. 

Loki falls to his knees beside him and takes his cold face into his hands.

He feels a stab in his heart and pulls Thor close. Sobs on his shoulder one final time.

 

Loki is in a sea of black. The sound of his mother sobbing drowns out all other noise. He stares at the shining wooden coffin numbly, a white rose clutched tight in his fists.

He flinches when they begin to slowly lower it into the ground. His throat feels painfully tight. His fingers have trouble uncurling when he drops the rose into the grave and he nearly falls back into the creaky lawn chair.

He ignores Thor's shut door when they get home, tearing off his ill-fitting suit frantically as tears well up in his eyes. He ignores Thor's room as he walks past again, doesn't speak a word as he grabs the keys to Thor's truck and walks into the garage. 

The pickup lags to life and he drives aimlessly for hours, looking straight forward at the road. He finally pulls into a gas station when his mom's calls come in two minute intervals. His voice shakes as he assures her over and over that he wasn't going to do anything. He hangs up with the promise to be home as soon as possible, and he intends to keep it. 

He breathes deeply and presses his forehead to the steering wheel, chewing on his dry lip while he tries figure out what he's supposed to do now. What is he supposed to do  _later?_  The world feels so completely wrong now and he can't imagine it ever being anything close to right again.

His eyes catch on something when he opens them. Stuck on the dashboard is a creased up photo. He carefully reaches around the wheel and plucks it off, wiping off the thin layer of dust caked on it. He smiles weakly at the image of him and Thor as children, hugging each other tightly and with big, broad grins on their faces.


End file.
